Constant thinking, over thinking repetitively. Thoughts that linger and never stop. I fall asleep thinking. I wake up thinking. Most of these thoughts are negative, past mistakes, sudden impulses, questioning my actions. “Why did I just say that?” ” why did I do that?”. Negativity dictates my life. I could be having a great time, in the middle of a party or a gtg, out at an event, playing a sport. And suddenly my thoughts begin to crush my head. I feel as if my skull is squeezing my brain. I could be in a great mood, the day could be going great. Suddenly my head begins to hurt. It’s a dull, hard pain that stretches on the top on my head. It controls my day. I run into a corner and hide from people, even the ones I love. I’m constantly secluding myself and disappearing in crowded rooms. It’s ironic, the place I find to be the safest turns out to be most dangerous.
That on top of feeling insignificant consistently. Anxiety gives me an inferiority complex. Feeling like I’m less than everyone around me allowing people to talk down on me, fearing conflict. Believing that I’m wrong, even when I’m right. People can take advantage of this, and hold control over me. Anxiety knows me inside and out. It can appear whenever it wants to and it stays for however it feels. Anxiety has an open door policy with my life. And it’s beginning to allow its cousin depression inside. I’m afraid depression is attempting to move in. I can’t allow that to happen. The feeling will cause me to self destruct. I CANNOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN. I refuse. This battle with anxiety is a long a grueling one. It’s filled with many downs, many days of hiding into my room.Many times I’ve tried to cry and I can’t. The tear ducts won’t let them come out. I can’t release the energy. I feel caged in my own mind.
that’s my self disclosure on the mental illness I struggle with.
Now here is a reveal of the things I can do to fix it.
1. Find an emotional release that isn’t toxic.
Invest in an art, write, play a sport, go swimming, meditate. Be productive. Feel important through activity. It’s therapeutic. Even if for a few moments. That time can help.
2. Seek professional help
Finding a professional can help immensely. Personally I’ve only went once. It’s not my thing. However I do know of others that have successfully went to therapy to deal with anxiety.
Laughter is the best therapy. Laugh til your insides come out, laugh at all times. And smile daily.
4. Believe in yourself.
Give yourself encouragement. Appreciate life. It’s not easy, but it helps. Anything to help. Anything to help.
The feeling of just existing. Realizing that you are alive. The feeling of falling apart when nothing is wrong. These are the things that plague my life. I fear I’ll never defeat this. However I’m confident I’ll win this war.
It’s ok, to those reading, it’s ok. Fight this fight at your own pace. Know that this is not unstoppable and you can conquer it. Move at your own pace, it’s ok if someone doesn’t understand. It’s ok if people can’t relate or help you. And know you are not alone. You are never alone, a lot of things you feel are in your head. But they are also real. And you can deal with them.
Win the battle within.