For over a decade I’ve suffered from anxiety. For the longest time it has been the most significant catalyst as to why I didn’t love myself… I would do things that’s outside of my character and rush through stuff just to get it done out of fear and being anxious. I can’t keep calm and when something is on my mind I can’t shake the thought. Often times that thought connects into other thoughts and suddenly I’m lost in the never ending darkness of space that is my own psyche. Forever these thoughts are negative of things i did or said that I shouldn’t have. Actions outside of my character that don’t matter now. And it would consume me, thoughts of the worst would pop up into my head and the rush of attempting to get to point b from point a comes up. For the longest time I haven’t been able to chill out. Everything is a rush for me and I can’t control it. There was a point that my anxiety had gotten so bad that I would drink till the point of vomiting, all because I couldn’t love myself. I find myself disappearing in crowd, not being capable of enjoying moments, being with friends and just escaping into my own body as if I were in a sunken place. For the longest I hated myself and I couldn’t grasp why. I’ve been an amazing person my whole life but I couldn’t believe it and it caused me so much agony. I haven’t loved myself for my whole life, seeking validity and confirmation. In everyone but myself to find happiness through their approval and the worst part was that I knew I didn’t need it or want it. For the longest I’ve done the bare minimum just to get by when I know full well I’m capable of doing extraordinary things with just a little effort. I had given up at one point. Thee were days when I didn’t want to do anything, when I didn’t care. I’ve spent days crying. Some days I disappear into myself. This battle with anxiety has been my greatest challenge and for the longest time it had been winning, but as of late, I’ve discovered how to appreciate myself, and am defeating this demon day by day. I know I can’t do it alone. I’m seeking out professional help. I’ve started making strides in my passion for writing through poetry and journalism in a journal and a blog I’m working on. I’m trying to eat and live healthy and most of all, love myself because that is the most important aspect of life in my eyes. This is not a cry for pity, but to all those that feel remotely in the same space as I do I want you to know that you’re not alone. Depression and anxiety is real and it’s hurts even the greatest of hearts. Right now I’m claiming and facing my pain. Hopefully this will inspire others to do the same.

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