All I can remember was the darkness
The cold, frigid feeling of being alone still makes me shiver when the thought comes across my psyche
The long nights, the dark days that were shrouded in the rain clouds that hovered over my head.
I remember the loneliness. Everyday being by myself and wondering
Is this fate? Am I supposed to be this way?
Is destiny designed to make me be a slave to the endless waves of time that force me to be a sole soul traveling through the cold tundras of solitude?
Am I supposed to be shackled to the slavery of a dark room that keeps me from society
The long moments in my room as I watch others bloom in the sun. My flower is shriveling,
Because of this loneliness.
How can this be fate? How can my live be this way? Why does this pain feel so innate? What used to be acute has now ruptured through my whole body. No one to speak to, no one to hold, no one to laugh with
No one to release me from the depths of this controlling abyss
The pressure drowns me into darkness as I fail to harness being lonely
Being alone is one thing
For that is by choice
However, loneliness, is a dark stormy road,
It’s like being stuck in a tomb for eternity, only to be alive for it all
Watching the sands of time pass away endlessly
Loneliness can turn 24 hours into 48 with a snap
I feel ensnared in this trap of time as I navigate through this universe, in the soundless darkness of space.
For 3 years I’ve been alone, trapped in this asylum of my mind and tortured and pained by my loneliness
My mother stopped coming a year ago
After I snapped on her
Friends stopped calling and writing me after they lost contact, they couldn’t take the darkness I was spreading
Father passed while I was strapped to this jacket in my mind
and my siblings went on with their lives forgetting the body they left behind so I sit in this cold and dark room watching the world outside pass me by. Ever since I lost my wife, I’ve been lonely
And the day she left me replays in my mind all the time. For years I’ve been stuck in this room, wishing for the day she’s return.
I can feel so alive inside but at the same time this solitary confinement can blind me from what’s inside. The darkness. The cold sweats
The quiet sounds of the tv buzzing at night. My imagination runs wild with the sight of being wired to a white wall and losing my mind.
I’ve never reached out to anyone, only ran away from people my whole life, afraid of what I was as a person, never able to believe who I could be. And in that fear came the darkness that forced me to hide.
Now I’m sitting here forcing myself to be stuck to this bed, tears in my eyes
Daydreaming of a life where there are people that still love me, people that still want to fight
For my life
For a world with me in it, thriving
But no, I’m slowly dying inside trying to confide in myself as the four walls cave in like a bird I feel caged in as a sing and scream to be saved damn
Why is this life? Why, must I be like this?
I’ve spent so long fighting the darkness that it has consumed me, and now I’ve become the vassal for its desires. Anyone that attempts to woo me back into the world will only feel the pain and sorrow I’ve become, and they slowly run away from me before I swallow them too in my misery,
Man this darkness, this loneliness has become apart of me, and I pray for the day I can water my flowers in the sun, and be with those that want to run with me places I’ve never seen before. I pray to be around someone that shows me happiness and joy, someone who can steal me always from this hole I’ve dug myself into
Someone who will love me for all my flaws and gift me with the pleasures of life, and happiness.
Someday I’ll meet someone who will whisp me off, and take me to parts unknown
One day, the door swung open,
Loneliness cold and unrelenting, the feeling of being unloved, unwanted by anyone can slither through your soul and throttle you day after day.
Here is they story of my cold, darkness. I’ve been lonely for so long, that when I met my new partner I didn’t know how to live, however they showed me what life is. They watered my flowers and reached their hands into the abyss to put my on the boat and navigate this long ocean of life. They brought the sun through the dark clouds and reminded me that life is worth living. And that they want to live it with me.
I met them at a diner and they came to me. Wondering how something so beautiful could look and feel so exhausted with life, and ever since then I’ve been exhilarated, learning the nuances and enjoying the beautiful wonders this world has to offer.
Those dark days ran always, and the loneliness dissipated into the air. It doesn’t even seethe
I remember my dark days, like they were yesterday, because they are a reminder of what I used to be. However now I’m filled with glee for I found someone to be alone with, and the loneliness has become but an after thought in this endless bliss.
This is my story of the darkness