what’s that famous ghetto boy’s line? “I sit alone in my four corner room staring at…” That’s how i’m feeling during this seemingly endless quarantine. I don’t know what day it is, I’ve seen the same 8-9 people all day every day (my family). And I’ve been in my room spending most of my time facing my own demons. And it’s destroying me.
Let me explain. I’m not being ungrateful for my health. I know there are people dying right now because of Covid-19 and there are people putting their lives on the line. My heart goes out to them. As a bleeding heart i genuinely wish for the safety of them and their families. As well as solace for the deceased and their kin. What I am discussing right now is not my desire to go outside, but my desire to stay inside and how painful it has become. I’ve craved this moment. I think we all have. Be honest, how many of us have wished to disappear for a long time and come back a different person? I know I’m not alone. For the people facing their own anxiety and depression the ability to hide from the world, “fix themselves”, and return a better person is like the oasis they were screaming for in the social desert. That is, until they realized they had to face themselves.
I cant tell you how many times I’ve broken down in this solitude. I wanted this, but it’s been tearing me apart piece by piece. I can feel my skin crawling off cell by cell every single waking moment as quarantine has consumed me with my own thoughts. I thought I was fighting myself before, that was nothing compared to this. However I take it as an advanced healing process that will make me much better when all is said and done.
This wasn’t supposed to be easy, it was supposed to be worth it. I wasn’t well before this, but I will be closer to being well after. Facing myself has been an up hill battle. For people with anxiety on all different levels, I believe you can relate to this. The never ending thoughts seeping into you psyche strangling your mind. Most, if not all of them are negative things about yourself, and past experiences you can’t let go of because they replay in you mind endlessly. It’s like being forced to watch baby boy on BET over and over again. The scenes are engraved in your head so deeply that you can act each character out to the T. But it’s not a good movie. In fact, it’s the worst movie ever played.
I swear I’ve had so many days of sitting under my covers in the darkness hoping the sleep will take it all away. Yes there are ways to keep me occupied. I read, I write, I play video games, I workout. But ultimately, I’m trapped in my thoughts, trying to claw my way out. And the worst part is that I wanted to be trapped to deal with myself. I didn’t realize how the tables would turn on me like this.
But, as I said prior, there are ways to face yourself and get better. To find a way to be well, and let the time pass. Even though I have to battle my worst enemy, myself, I do have solace in a time of peace. Being a creator through my writing, I am able to create stories that gravitate people towards me and my experiences. I am able to release my pain into history and ideas that people can relate to and fine their own peace in. If I were to give anyone advice in finding mental wellness during this uncertain time, It is, find your passion.
Now’s the time to find that passion, and work hard on it. No, you don’t need to become famous off of it, or sell 1,000 records of copies. But what you can do is find something you’ve always loved and put your soul into it while you have the extended free time. Especially if you aren’t out there, taking care of people who are dying or being an essential worker.
facing myself has tormented any progress in my wellness, but it is a necessary evil I am facing in the never ending battle for my own peace. I’m relishing this fire, because I know ill reign over it in the end. This quarantine is tearing me apart, but for good reason. I hope whoever is reading this can find that same calm in their storms.